Having had the privilege of counseling hundreds of pastors, I know I have been given a sacred trust.
A few weeks back, a pastor I’ve met with many times paid me a compliment when he introduced me to another pastor.
“Don knows more about my life than I know myself,” he said laughing.
Letting out a big breath, he added, “Thank goodness he can hold a confidence.”
Keeping a confidence is a very high value for me. If it wasn’t, my counseling with pastors would end tomorrow.
Days later, I bumped into a parishioner who had met me casually a time or two.
“Say, I saw you in the back of a coffee shop the other day talking with our pastor,” he said. “Looked like a serious conversation. How’s he doing?”
“You’d have to ask him,” I said.
“Oops,” he said, “I didn’t mean to prod.”
Well, I thought, maybe.
With so many well-known pastors in the country falling from grace in the last couple of years, I’ve had several people ask me about situations in their own church. They seek counsel about sticky issues in their church.
One sincere person approached me earnestly and said, “I don’t mean to gossip.” Even after we talked, he said again, “I hope this is not gossip.”
Church folk, the group I have worked with the most, know that a vital part of church life involves interpersonal relationships, handling conflict, discerning true teaching vs. false teaching and deciding whether they should stay or leave a certain church.
They wonder who they can talk to about such matters in a way that does not constitute gossip.
Since I have pretty much been a churchman my whole life, I know how easy it is to talk behind someone’s back, especially that of the pastor or a church leader.
Speaking face to face is good, but not always as easy or practical as we think.
Recently, a piece by Dr. Barry York, president at Reformed Presbyterian Theological Seminary, along with some instruction from Westminster Larger Catechism, helped me sharpen my ideas about how to think about gossip.
One question in the catechism asks, “What are the duties required in the ninth commandment?”
The ninth commandment is “Don’t bear false witness against your neighbor.” Essentially, don’t lie, because God puts a high premium on telling the truth.
As I mulled the ninth commandment, I thought of five guidelines to help discern the essence of gossip.
It is not gossip when:
- The matter is public record.
Some people hesitate to convey information that is recorded in civil or church documents as a matter of public information. I knew of a person who was accused of not following the principles of Matthew 18, where Jesus says to speak to a person privately about an issue at hand. But the issue was already known in print and had been posted on social media. That situation is not gossip.
- You are seeking counsel about a matter.
If deep Christian concern about someone causes you to discreetly seek counsel about how to handle a matter, that is not gossip. It becomes gossip when it is done for the pleasure of revealing juicy news with no concern for the individual. It is not gossip to seek advice about a dicey matter from someone whose character and wisdom you trust. Actually, it’s love.
- Justice is at stake.
If we are called by a civil or ecclesiastical court to give testimony, it is not gossip to reveal the truth under oath as it pertains to the case, regardless of how “private” some claim the information is. Who of us hasn’t heard, “I swear that the evidence I give is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God”? To not do that is to swear a false oath. That would be an affront to God.
- You are protecting your neighbor’s name.
Speaking about someone’s affairs does not constitute gossip. The Westminster catechism says by speaking about someone else, we may actually counter gossip by “preserving and promoting the truth between man and man, and the good name of our neighbor.” If you are not slandering or speaking evil about a neighbor (Psalm 15:3), it is not gossip.
- You are a whistleblower against evil.
I follow journalist Julie Roys, whose “The Roys Report” shines a light on abuse in the church. Roys calls out those who are wolves in sheep’s clothing. She’s clear and frank, but not mean. What Roys exposes sometimes causes me to cringe and sigh. And yet, her mission strikes me as honorable. The Apostle Paul said, “Speak the truth in love.”
Stopping gossip is like trying to stop eating candy corn and peanuts. It takes discipline and intentionality.
That’s why I can’t ever stop praying the prayer from Psalm 19: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.”
"gossip" - Google News
September 19, 2021 at 09:30PM
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Don Follis | Some things we say are not gossip - Champaign/Urbana News-Gazette
"gossip" - Google News
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