Dear Amy: I am writing to ask for your advice on my upcoming bridal shower.
I have a difficult relationship with my parents and sibling and I have worked to set boundaries in the past few years that have made me happier in general.
I no longer choose to feel personally responsible for their happiness or success, because they make their own choices and resist help.
My concern lies with my aunts and uncles.
During family events, they each pull me aside individually and expect details and personal conversations regarding my parents and sibling.
They make me feel personally responsible for these problems and the result is that I feel terrible for months.
What is a polite way to handle their questions on what is supposed to be a happy day for me?
I’m tired of my entire family life revolving around my immediate family’s drama.
– Dreading the Inevitable in Ohio
Dear Dreading: Landmark events (such as weddings and their attendant celebrations) can be nerve-wracking, especially in families like yours.
Your aunts and uncles, who presumably love and care about you, might not see you (or your parents) often, or privately.
Assuming even the kindest motives, they are using family gatherings to dig for intel about your folks.
One way to politely shut down an inappropriate line of questioning or conversation would be to look the person in the eye, perhaps touch their arm, and say, “Let’s not do this right now. Thank you for coming to my shower. I want everybody to have a good time today.”
You say that they make you feel responsible for family problems, but how you interpret these inquiries and conversations is up to you.
You’ve done a good job at setting boundaries with your challenging immediate family. You could do some work on your own (or with a therapist’s help) to discern why piercing this veil causes you to feel responsible – and terrible – over family drama you have no role in perpetuating.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
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October 28, 2023 at 02:04PM
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Ask Amy: Extended family’s thirst for gossip clouds what should be a happy event - OregonLive
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